it doesn’t matter to me that I’ve already set up camp there a little bit, I can easily get out of that, but I’m trying to grow right now so the question is do I put up with this guy is bullshit so that I can use his face while I grow up knowing that it’s not permanent, knowing that I have to get the fuck out of there?

it’s going to start though, it won’t be long before I do start getting the clients I want, it won’t be long before I start getting the amount and kind of work that I want.

but right this second I just want to fucking drink myself into a stupor or take a bunch of pills are just really get out of this life right now. Nobody understands my suffering. Except for Leeron and john maybe.

things fell behind, I got like $100 in overdraft, I have almost no money in the bank, it’s all fucked up

I am so broke, I cannot believe what happened to me that I spent all that money. I feel so fucking stupid right now.

i’m not working enough and I don’t have enough clients and it’s the worst feeling in the world not to have any business. And while I know things are going to get better because people are telling me, right this moment I don’t have enough money. I’m back to looking for a fucking job again.

Kalyan is having all kinds of health problems, his hurt ankle his back his wrists, I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with him but he can’t do anything. He can’t write he can’t walk, he’s leaving work early, it’s like Aureole part two.

asshole client fired me, which is fine, but then one of my client can’t pay the other one doesn’t need me as much, and we just don’t have any fucking money now.

I meditated but it didn’t stick, and all I could do is think about how terrible I feel, and how I really need to sit here and make money right now, and I’m trying to fabricate work basely cause I don’t really know what work I’m supposed to be doing. Right now feeling just like a fucking idiot.

all this time I spent on the software, now it barely even feels like it was worth it because there’s so much more to do now.

I can’t see a way out right now. All I see is me sitting here with no money and not knowing what to do.

i’m sitting here thinking about it and it seems like what I need to do is change the software to make it a little bit easier for people to understand what it does, and I can see the changes that I need to make in that shouldn’t be that hard. Maybe it’ll take me a couple of days but it won’t be such a huge deal. But what I need to do what I want to do are completely different.

right this minute I need to be working on CKO bookkeeping. They’re the only client you can still pay me right now and I have work so it’s crazy for me not to be doing that right now I would have to be completely fucking stupid not to be doing at work right now.

so why don’t I. You know the last time I did this I wrote it all down and it worked out really well, so I’m gonna try that when I try having a dialogue with myself on paper.

there’s this underlying fear that we’re going to run out of money and I’ll be able to pay our bills. Even though I know that’s not true. But I’m looking at paying the mortgage and our utilities, and what it would cost to pay Bright water if they say we can put Rafa back, and there’s just not enough money.

my fear really is completely irrational because here I am at the precipice of what I believe is going to be a very profitable year. And rather than being present to that right now, I’m pissed off about what it’s not.

I meditated, not for very long but for a little while, but that didn’t seem to entirely help. Because right now I’m just feeling time pressure, money pressure, and overall meeting more clients.

at the same time I have new clients coming on board right now. I just don’t know exactly how many. But I got a lead from Leeron, I have basil, and I have whatever lead time to get from bernston porter. Not to mention the CFO people I was talking to last week. So I think I’m actually going to be very busy very soon. And this little hick up in money is only going to be temporary. Just this two weeks, and then will be fine again.

so I just need to remember to breathe, relax, I’m doing everything right and people believe in me.

and I guess here’s the crazy thing. While I’m sitting you’re panicking about how I don’t have enough money, and I’m not working hard enough, I’m on my way driving to Everett and being paid to do the work that I need to do for my client. So that is a little bit ridiculous. And I have plenty of work right now, I’m just not doing it. There’s so much work to do for CK oh I should be doing that and I’m not. So that’s not complaining that I don’t have enough work at complaining I’m not doing the work which is retarded

so I was really looking forward to her saying yes to that, and I had felt really attached I guess, also now feeling completely fucking foolish for telling anybody about it, since now it’s not going to happen.

and it’s fine, because I still have plenty of work, and I’ll be able to make a decent living, but I guess I felt like I wasn’t gonna have to work so hard. But now it looks like I do.

so I’m feeling some regret as well because I didn’t work as hard over the last two weeks as I should have, so now I don’t have as much money as I’m supposed to, and now I have to cash the final track but I have of my savings.

it sucks that I had an employee I thought was helping me and turns out he wasn’t very good and I had to let them go. And although I want to grow this company and get somebody to start helping, right now it’s got to be me. And I have a real problem with focusing my attention on just doing the work that needs to be done.

i’m so focused on trying to get my software done, because I believe that’s actually going to make me money. And maybe I should just let that go and believe that that software is going to be just as much of a challenge as this bookkeeping business.

The up and down of my life is really hard sometimes, and right now I just have this feeling in my stomach like I want to barf.

I just wish I was sitting on my cushion right now, but instead I’m driving. So I’m driving home as fast as I can so that I can get to my cushion so I can sit.

Then I got this email from Michael saying that he’s gonna start contacting all the leads that come in. Clearly it feels to me like the faith that he has in me to do this job of closing deals as diminished. Who I am and his eyes has certainly fallen. And I’m sad about that. But ultimately I don’t have the time to do what he’s asking me to do and still keep my family making enough money.