i can see them doing what they can to stay away from me.  that bothers me too. sick, feel like shit, feeling afraid of not enough money, house is a mess, fuck fuck fuck.  how is this my life?

so I was really looking forward to her saying yes to that, and I had felt really attached I guess, also now feeling completely fucking foolish for telling anybody about it, since now it’s not going to happen.

and it’s fine, because I still have plenty of work, and I’ll be able to make a decent living, but I guess I felt like I wasn’t gonna have to work so hard. But now it looks like I do.

so I’m feeling some regret as well because I didn’t work as hard over the last two weeks as I should have, so now I don’t have as much money as I’m supposed to, and now I have to cash the final track but I have of my savings.

it sucks that I had an employee I thought was helping me and turns out he wasn’t very good and I had to let them go. And although I want to grow this company and get somebody to start helping, right now it’s got to be me. And I have a real problem with focusing my attention on just doing the work that needs to be done.

i’m so focused on trying to get my software done, because I believe that’s actually going to make me money. And maybe I should just let that go and believe that that software is going to be just as much of a challenge as this bookkeeping business.

The up and down of my life is really hard sometimes, and right now I just have this feeling in my stomach like I want to barf.

I just wish I was sitting on my cushion right now, but instead I’m driving. So I’m driving home as fast as I can so that I can get to my cushion so I can sit.

Then I got this email from Michael saying that he’s gonna start contacting all the leads that come in. Clearly it feels to me like the faith that he has in me to do this job of closing deals as diminished. Who I am and his eyes has certainly fallen. And I’m sad about that. But ultimately I don’t have the time to do what he’s asking me to do and still keep my family making enough money.

my stereo just died in my car again. I’m pretty sure it died because of water getting into the amp. Because the trunk leaks, because the car is old. It’s got 250,000 miles on it, and you know what, I think it’s time for a new car. But I can’t afford one right now, so I just have to suffer with this bullshit.

Here I am the guy working with michael gerber driving a piece of shit.

we only have one check left from our settlement and then that money’s gone. And right now I’m kind of on fumes because one of my clients hasn’t paid me yet. I know things are getting better, and it won’t be long before money isn’t an issue, but today it is. And I guess the reality is I have enough to make it through today, but I’m just a little bit tired of this whole conversation.

That really fucking sucks that she is so tired, and so drained energy wise, and doesn’t have that ability to just shake it off and keep going. I try and talk to her about goals and she’s like all yeah I already have goals. I try and talk to her about motivation and she’s like oh yeah I have motivation I try and talk to her about making a list of things to do and she says oh I have a list of things to do. But at the end of the day Nana that shit matters because she still suffering. So I say she needs goals.

and really if she were to listen to Jim Rohn, or six Ziegler, or Brian Tracy, she would get motivated if she were just willing to follow their instructions. But she’s not. She doesn’t want to listen to Jim Rome, she doesn’t want to listen to Brian Tracy. She wants to do it her way which doesn’t work

But what is a story of overwhelm? Really it’s just that I have a list of things to do. Like right now I’m driving to teach a class. That’s all that’s going on. I’m in my car driving to a class. I’m maximizing my time by making this recording while I drive, so I’m really doing two things. And I’m still not satisfied.

Maybe if I was brushing my teeth at the same time I would feel better. I could sit here and try and dissect all the things that are wrong in my life. And try and somehow link my overwhelmed story and my suffering to all the things that are wrong, but really things are awesome.

all that’s really going on as I need to be more accountable for my task management. I need to do a better job of laying out what I’m going to do when, and then sticking to it. instead what I do is I make promises that will be hard for me to keep, but will make sure I get things done. Like saying I will have something to somebody by Tuesday, when really I would need at least till Thursday to do it.

so I guess what I’m really suffering over is a lack of integrity around task management. I’m not leaving enough time to do the things, and I’m really not committed to doing a lot of the things, so that when I do have time to do it, I’m not doing it. I just put it off thinking that I can do it later. The reality is a lot of this has to do with my bookkeeping, and I’m doing what I have to do to get caught up there. I have an ad running, and I have nearly 20 people who are going to be interviewing with me on Wednesday. So I’m certain I’ll hire somebody phenomenal. And once I have somebody doing the bookkeeping for me, things are going to a whole lot easier for me.

I haven’t even made the slightest attempt to get any more bookkeeping clients, because I already am behind on what I’m supposed to be doing. But once I’m caught up, the work is going to shift into more of an operations consulting role.

and the person that I hired help me with that, is going to be the same person who helps me build the system that runs my bookkeeping company.

now that I’ve tried to finish this speech to text three times, and it keeps crashing on me, I’m starting to get kind of pissed again. it’s really sucks, because I’m starting to feel better.

i’ll I was saying was that having dialogue about all of this, I feel a lot of my stress is gone away. A lot of my suffering is gone away. now I’m clear that I just need to stay committed to the goal, and keep having faith as Napoleon hill said. Faith is the only known antidote to failure, and that is what’s driving me through.

I thought I was done borrowing money from my mommy. But apparently not. With checks on the way, it’s even harder to need to borrow money, but I’m going out of town and those checks are going to arrive when I’m not here.

it really sucks. I have stress, worry, fear, and overall dissatisfaction with how my life is today. It’s compounded by the fact that my employee that I hired isn’t doing the work I expect to do. And the work that he portrayed he would be doing. So while I keep thinking I’ve got it covered and people are doing. The work, they really are not. The two people who I had to work for $20 an hour, neither of them are doing the work I want to miss you. Turns out they want their freedom more than they want the money. So I think my best bet is to hire somebody who needs the money, more than people who I think would be good. Because at least people who need the money are going to work.

it’s also challenging because I’m working from home, so I can’t just have any old person in my house. I need somebody working at my house who I can trust. It’s a complex situation I’m in, and really I should be doing the work myself instead of farming it out because I need the money.

so part of the suffering for me is coming from not wanting to do the work and still wanting the money. which, when I say it like that, who doesn’t feel that way?

but golly, when I look over my blog post here, what I see is somebody who’s up SAST with money. Constantly talking about money and how much I have, and how little I have, how much I need, and how much I’m going to guess, on. I just really want to stop talking about it altogether. And I should stop talking about it. But that’s what I suffer over. so how can I stop suffering over money? Should I just suffer over something else instead? Is that any better? I don’t think so. I need the suffering over money to be a trigger. Whenever I feel myself suffering over money I need to find something to be grateful for. I need to see the suffering over money as my minds way of looking for a solution outside of myself.

We’re at the rheumatologist, because of my prodding. I’m glad, but also sad. Seeing her with a rheumatologist makes my want to cry.

Really, right now, I just want to throw up. It’s my birthday, and I just left my wife at the rheumatologist, where they’re going to do x-rays and take blood, and decide what to do with her. But at this point she’s going to get on some pretty serious drugs for her arthritis, and I kind of wish she had just done it years ago.

her arthritis is so out-of-control right now that she’s going to have long-lasting, lifetime damage.

she’s at the rheumatologist because I begged her. She doesn’t even really want to be there. She feels like it’s taking her life away. But the truth is, this disease is taking her life away either way. But with the drugs, although she’ll have side effects, she’ll start feeling better.

Either way, it really sucks shit. now I’m on my way to find out the status of another major event in our life, whether we’re to get to keep our house or not.

So I’m sitting here suffering about myself and meanwhile this homeless guys walking across the street with his gimpy homeless wife and their gimpy homeless dog.

Can I say my life is worse than theirs or better than theirs? I’m sure they would take my life in a heartbeat. Maybe literally.

I call my dad, because I know he’s not to remember my birthday. And he doesn’t, so I gracefully fit it into my conversation. I say things like “well since it’s my birthday”.

I could keep going down this road of how bad things are, but that’s not what this is about. Right this moment I’m actually not suffer. I’m just driving my car. I can feel in my body raised blood pressure, and maybe a little nausea, but I’m not even suffering about that I just notice it. it seems very just matter of fact, it’s Monday, my wife going to take medication, and I’m going to go eat lunch.

other people may suffer over things like this greatly, and I’m not going to say I don’t have sadness, but I don’t feel like I’m suffering all that much. Or maybe I’m just really good at hiding it to the point where I don’t even notice it.

i’m about to walk into my house for my family to be happy to see me, and it’s probably going to be a gigantic mess in there. There’s going to be things to do tasks to accomplish and work to get done.

but none of that has to make me angry, I can just be okay with where I am right now. I think what’s bothering me is after sitting through this meeting that I just went through, I realized how much harder it’s going to be to get people to work on this project than I thought it was going to be. Finding a good technical person to help me is not going to be easy. And the part of me that self sabotages is immediately saying fuck it this is never going to work. I have to remember what Napoleon hill said that faith is the only known antidote to failure.

I have to remember what I’m grateful for the beautiful weather my home my family my health.

I guess I’m feeling overworked I have too much to do and I’m not staying on top of all the things I have to do. My clients aren’t asking me to do the work but I’m supposed to be doing it.