oh my God, I’m thinking oh no, the world is going to come to an end, I’m going to be broke.

I worked myself up into a frenzy, forgetting to be present to hell amazing my life is right now. I literally am friends with michael gerber, and business partners with michael gerber. Oh my fucking God how amazing is that?

and despite that, or that notwithstanding, I’m suffering right now. I’m suffering about the overwhelmed, about all the things I have to do. Nobody else is going to do them for me. I can’t very well delegate most of the work that I have. But I should be able to.

I need somebody who really understand how to do bookkeeping. If I don’t write that test so that I can make sure that the people that The people I’m interviewing know how to do bookkeeping, then I’ll never get somebody good. But if I can get some good people, and I know that means people beyond the basic skill level of a McDonald’s, then I can have something.

I shouldn’t have any problem finding somebody who knows how to do the books, and will work for $20-$25 an hour.

but the interesting thing is, I find myself wanting to find that person, wanting to find that solution, because I don’t understand bookkeeping well enough to do it myself. Because the reality is I currently don’t have enough work to hire someone, and still make enough money to pay all my bills.

until my new tequila client comes on board, and my coffee client comes on board, and I get a couple of more clients, I can handle all the work. It’s the additional Gerber infusion, integrity work that’s taking up my time. If it weren’t for that and I just focused on the books, I have plenty of time.

And when I wake up and I see my wife at the sink washing big heavy dishes that are hurting her. I just have to help, even though I have my own things to do. And as I’m washing the dishes, it’s just grumble, grumble, grumble about “goddamn these dishes, fuck this, fuck that”, I can hear myself doing it, I can see myself doing it, and I know that it won’t last, but it really requires me stopping the activity and taking a few breaths.

Plus I’m hungry,  I have decided I’m going to take supplements first thing in the morning, that have to be taken on an empty stomach. So then I don’t even get to eat first thing in the morning, which is what I’m used to doing.  Even though it’s a nice day out, I still feel the suffering, at least right now. But today there will be some money. I’ve been waiting for there to be some money, waiting a while actually. And today I’ll receive some paychecks and will have some money, and we can go shopping, and pay some bills.

Now what I really should do is meditate. Right now, I should sit.   I can feel the resistance.  I don’t want to sit.  But why?  Why don’t I want to do the thing i keep saying is so essential in my life?  The excuse is because of the time commitment, but the truth is I’m going to waste that time anyway.  I can hear my teenager in the kitchen.  I want to be nice to him and help him have a nice day, but I’m a grouch right now.  I have to breathe.

Okay, I’m motivated now.  I’m gonna sit.  I’l sit right here instead of going to my meditation cushion.  Kinda like, let’s get to it already.

Wait, one more thing.  I am going to put in effort when I post things to also post what I’m doing about it.  I don’t want this to just be a bitch session every time.  I want it to help me.  I want it to help you.  I’ll make sure to also mention what kinds of things I’m doing to alleviate my suffering.  Like sitting, walking, putting up reminder notes to myself, and other structures.