Total bullshit dealing with banks. I know it’s my own damn fault for not being able to manage my money, but it fucking pisses me off how much these Overdraft charges are.

They charge you here and there, hundreds of fucking dollars in charges, all for the privilege of dealing with a fucking bank. Which is supposed to make my life easier, and instead is just a pain in the ass and makes me wish I was dead.

obviously, it’s an exaggeration to say I wish I was dead because of this, but it really sucks to just be spending all this money needlessly on full shipping charges. I probably spent $500 in overdraft charges, and that money could’ve gone somewhere else. And it’s not just the cost of doing business, it’s just the cost of being me the fucking idiot that I am.

I go in there because I want to close the account but I can’t, because of all the auto drop charges, so I have to cancel those first. Then they automatically enroll me about $40 a year rewards program, which doesn’t save me any fucking money, so I want to cancel it, but I can’t, I totally called the fucking account. It’s just after fucking child after fucking charge I’m really fucking sick of it.

I want to fucking more I just wanted to everything. But that’s not realistic in my life the kind of asked for everything. I have to bank, I want to have enough money in the bank like stop getting fucking overdraft charges. Although, I just keep getting OverDraft after stupid overdraft.

and then this new headset that I have really fucking pisses me off too, because the delay between when I press the button to do voice to text and when it actually beeps and starts recording, so I have to slow down and wait for the beep. Which is also kind of bullshit.

obviously under democratic fucking mood right now, and I’m really Greissing cast that for fact hasn’t written a fucking check yet. And that my attorney Brandon is such a little douche that he can’t even get a fucking answer to what’s going on. He said he’ll let me know, but there’s no fucking reason why was the winter long to get an answer about something so fucking simple.

started off this morning, waking up way too early. then after not being up for too long, Orion from Orioles Summerkamp hit his hand with the hatchet, so my next trip was an emergency room. It kind of suck, because I was supposed to be somewhere, which I had to cancel.

then I had to race down to Burien to go look at a networking job, then jump on GoToMeeting with bar, then go back to the networking job, only to find out that my employee just took another job.

maybe it was a blessing, I didn’t think he was perfect.

now I just got home after having no breakfast no lunch. But at least we hired somebody to help out, so that’s a good thing. But I was expecting somebody to be working all day for me, making money, which didn’t happen.

and I guess the suffering for me, is really around just what a hard day at was.

Ever since I hurt my left wrist, stop training in martial arts. I guess part of me was glad, after 20 years plus of training, to be able to take a break. But now that it’s been almost a year since I stop training, I can feel the energy has left me. I now have to drag myself back into a life of fitness.

I don’t want to do it. I resister. I feel like, I just need to get through this next part of my life, and then I can get in shape again. Which is bullshit.

things are finally starting to look up. Money is starting to blow, my wife is taking her arthritis medication, everything starting to be beautiful outside because it’s spring. And yet, I’m test. What am I pissed about? My left wrist hurts, I don’t even know what I did it just started hurting.
but it definitely got in the way when I was trying to play golf yesterday. And it hurts now. This chronic pain in my joint is not good. It went from my wrist to my elbow, then to my back, now it’s in my wrist again.

So that’s one thing I’m pissed about. And then I’m pissed about his new headphones. I thought that I was going love them, they got all kinds of great reviews, and yet I’m just not happy with them. The sound quality isn’t as good as I want, they’re bigger than I want, they don’t sit on my head like I want them to, they just are not as great as I thought they’d be. Isn’t that the way with things we want?

We get this idea in our head that we want something, and we have made up how great this thing is going to be, and we get the thing, and it’s not nearly as good as they thought it would be. Of course that doesn’t always happen, but it does sometimes.

The same thing happened with this job that I did. I did the work for this guy, and I build him, and he was going to pay me, and instead I saw this laptop on his desk and I said I’ll take that instead. As it turns out it’s not as good of a laptop that I would’ve thought, it’s more trouble to get it all set up like my other one is set up.

and
In the middle of recording this post, after I’ve already dictated what I want to say, my phone is thinking about it trying to transcribe it, I just sit there and spend forever. So then I’m pissed about having to repeat what I just said overall it’s just a pissy day. And there are frustrations about things not being what I want them to be.

so now that I have used all that, hey I can see the insanity of it, I can be strong need for meditation, the only thing that is due to take a few breath, calm myself.

they say in the secret to get presence of gratitude. If a gratitude starts the wheels turning. I’m sure if I were to just sit here and you negativity for any longer, it would result in me having bad feelings. It’s not what I want. Sundesert thinking about things I’m grateful for. And about how awesome my life is.

I just have pain. I rest church, my back hurts and it’s in my shoulder blades, and sometimes my ankle hurts.
and currently, I am definitely doing some suffering over it.

since we been so broke for so long, we barely had any food. Especially since our food stamps ran out, and I couldn’t get more.

I mean I guess I could’ve gotten more, but i felt like that was keeping me in the poorhouse.

so anyway, I go to the store, and spent $500, and then I start stressing about money again.

I don’t think I’m really going to start feeling better about money until I get one of these big checks I’m waiting for from the settlement, or when my business starts making me enough money to pay all of my personal bills.

my car is still leaking oil all over the street, and it still drives me absolutely fucking crazy. But the difference now is I have an appointment to get it fixed. So it’s not a reminder now but I don’t have any money, because now money is on its way. Of course this guy is going to give me the money could always change his mind, but I don’t think he will.

Not suffering at this moment.

i’ve been involved in kind of an ugly lawsuit for a while, and I’m counting on winning the trial to get myself out of the financial camera. Today almost 6 weeks before trial he settled, and now I’ve got a nice big check coming to me.
and the funny thing is, i’m suffering over how many bills I have to pay. seeing all the stuff that I owe, and the different people and businesses I have to pay off, and I already feel like the moneys gone. But actually it’s not, there will be plenty left. And I just have to be present in this moment knowing that little piece of my life is going to start feeling better very soon.

it’s hard though the way my brain immediately goes to something bad.