it’s funny how things get better and then they get worse and then they get better again and then they get worse again where I start feeling better about things and then all the sudden I had a little patch and I’m suffering again.

I get this thought that maybe I won’t have to suffer anymore, but I know that’s ridiculous.

I get this thought that this will be the last time I have to blog about my suffering, but I know that’s ridiculous.

I noticed when I stop putting chemicals in my body which I used to minimize my suffering and I’m really not happy with my life. I think about whether or not I’ll ever get to the point where I don’t want to use drugs and alcohol to dull my pain.

Will I get to where I’m all healed, and where there is no more pain? It seems very unlikely. I feel like I have in my mind the thought that money is going to make me happy, even though it didn’t work for other people. But the reality is is a nicer car or a nicer house or all the food that I could possibly want those things gonna make me feel whole inside?

when both my parents are dead and I gonna be happier or less happy? When I don’t have to work anymore and I gonna be happier? When I can meditate all the time and I gonna be happier?

I have this vision in my mind that a beautiful house and nothing to do on my list of things to do other than what I want, a life like I imagined timber him as, I imagine that’s the life or I’ll be happy. Where I have my little acupuncture practice and my kung fu school, that’s the imagined life of happiness, the orchard and the sunset view, I’m assistant and a chef and a housekeeper that’s the great life. I’m in Mark Cuban thinks he has that life, or at least it looks to me like he does.