Monthly Archives: July 2014

i’m insane

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i’ve got two new employee starting today, and really just kind of struggling with giving them enough work. There actually is plenty of work, but I just have to give them the right kind of work. I guess I’m actually doing that, but it feels a little chaotic in my brain right now. Then I’m getting emails from Michael about what’s going on on this project he’s giving me. A project by the way which isn’t making me any money, but is launching a program for him which is going to make him money. I get that he wants me to do it, and I really do want to do it, but I got to make sure I make in my dollars here.

i’m late for this chiropractic appointment I’m supposed to go to, and of course I made it on the same day when I had new employee starting not realizing that’s what was going to be going on. I’m trying to schedule time to go camping with My friend which is completely crazy since I’m so busy right now with work.

My suffering wife

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it’s hard enough managing my own suffering, but when my wife is suffering that’s hard. It seems that she knows all the same things I know, but she’s just not interested in putting them in the practice the way I do. So she just sits there and suffers.

That really fucking sucks that she is so tired, and so drained energy wise, and doesn’t have that ability to just shake it off and keep going. I try and talk to her about goals and she’s like all yeah I already have goals. I try and talk to her about motivation and she’s like oh yeah I have motivation I try and talk to her about making a list of things to do and she says oh I have a list of things to do. But at the end of the day Nana that shit matters because she still suffering. So I say she needs goals.

and really if she were to listen to Jim Rohn, or six Ziegler, or Brian Tracy, she would get motivated if she were just willing to follow their instructions. But she’s not. She doesn’t want to listen to Jim Rome, she doesn’t want to listen to Brian Tracy. She wants to do it her way which doesn’t work

A new kind of suffering

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since the majority of my suffering of late has been around money, and now currently, money is not an issue, my mind immediately had to find something new to suffer about. So now I’m suffering over being too busy. Overwhelm. This is something I’ve suffered about quite a bit in my life. I remember years back in my partnership, my business partner would often talk to me about my story of overwhelmed.

But what is a story of overwhelm? Really it’s just that I have a list of things to do. Like right now I’m driving to teach a class. That’s all that’s going on. I’m in my car driving to a class. I’m maximizing my time by making this recording while I drive, so I’m really doing two things. And I’m still not satisfied.

Maybe if I was brushing my teeth at the same time I would feel better. I could sit here and try and dissect all the things that are wrong in my life. And try and somehow link my overwhelmed story and my suffering to all the things that are wrong, but really things are awesome.

all that’s really going on as I need to be more accountable for my task management. I need to do a better job of laying out what I’m going to do when, and then sticking to it. instead what I do is I make promises that will be hard for me to keep, but will make sure I get things done. Like saying I will have something to somebody by Tuesday, when really I would need at least till Thursday to do it.

so I guess what I’m really suffering over is a lack of integrity around task management. I’m not leaving enough time to do the things, and I’m really not committed to doing a lot of the things, so that when I do have time to do it, I’m not doing it. I just put it off thinking that I can do it later. The reality is a lot of this has to do with my bookkeeping, and I’m doing what I have to do to get caught up there. I have an ad running, and I have nearly 20 people who are going to be interviewing with me on Wednesday. So I’m certain I’ll hire somebody phenomenal. And once I have somebody doing the bookkeeping for me, things are going to a whole lot easier for me.

I haven’t even made the slightest attempt to get any more bookkeeping clients, because I already am behind on what I’m supposed to be doing. But once I’m caught up, the work is going to shift into more of an operations consulting role.

and the person that I hired help me with that, is going to be the same person who helps me build the system that runs my bookkeeping company.

now that I’ve tried to finish this speech to text three times, and it keeps crashing on me, I’m starting to get kind of pissed again. it’s really sucks, because I’m starting to feel better.

i’ll I was saying was that having dialogue about all of this, I feel a lot of my stress is gone away. A lot of my suffering is gone away. now I’m clear that I just need to stay committed to the goal, and keep having faith as Napoleon hill said. Faith is the only known antidote to failure, and that is what’s driving me through.

Idiot drivers

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it’s when the light takes three or four, or five changes letting through only two or three cars the time, when I’m the 20th Carnline that I start to lose my shit. Then I start getting mad at all the drivers who don’t understand how fuck this light is. So they do things like turn on the right turn signal, and then stop at a red light and sit there

strangely enough, you would think that today would be a great day, because today I got the check of been waiting for, and I am no longer broke. And I’m about to have a few amazing times happen in my life, and yet I’m still kind of pissed. I can’t really put my finger on what it is, but it feels like I’m pissed about my wife still not being well.

maybe it is even more apparent now, that no matter what I do, she is still going to be having problems.

or maybe it’s because even though I know how much I’m getting, I wish it were more. Whatever! Never happy with what we have right? Will fuck it.

and it just goes on anon, idiot buses stopping right in front of me and putting on their hazards, douche bags crossing the street slowest fuck, a stop sign every block. It’s just continuing.

Again with the traffic

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i’m on my way to the airport meet the man got in San Diego, and the traffic is her Renda’s at 2:30 in the afternoon. On a Thursday. I was driving in downtown, and left eye five to get on the 520 because I thought there be less traffic on the Eastside. But as soon as I made that decision I realized in haste I did that, because I five boys clears up right after downtown and 405 is jammed as far as a person can see.

I have plenty of time to get to the airport right now, my flight doesn’t leave for two hours. But I’m still pissed about sitting in this goddamn traffic. It’s the worst fucking traffic nightmare anywhere.

I know I’m going to get to the airport on time, and I’ll get on my plane, but I still can’t help thinking about how stupid this is to be literally sitting still on the freeway in the midafternoon

but I guess what’s the point in bitching about it right? It’s going to be what it’s going to be the matter what I do. I also know there’s no reason for this traffic. It’s just a lot of people hitting the brakes causing traffic. There’s probably not an accident, probably not a stalled car, just. regular old Seattle traffic

doing okay today

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I ended up having to borrow $1000 from my mom, but now distresses been relieved, and then I got a check in the mail the next day which was also nice. So with the financial immediate needs taken care of, I’m free to relax and focus on the work at hand. Which is nice.

it’s amazing to me how much better it feels immediately as soon as I had the money, even before I put any of it in the bank or spend any of it. Just having it sitting there with me feel a lot more secure and calm.

Will the suffering ever end?

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The unending suffering of being out of money. I keep thinking it’s going to be over soon, but it really never seems to end. I’m hoping that I can just get to a point where I don’t have to think about it anymore. But honestly I don’t think that’s going to happen. But at least what will happen is albeit would’ve stop thinking about where my next meal to come from, or whether I should fill the tank up all the way out my car. So now I’m on my way to my moms house to borrow money yet again.

I thought I was done borrowing money from my mommy. But apparently not. With checks on the way, it’s even harder to need to borrow money, but I’m going out of town and those checks are going to arrive when I’m not here.

it really sucks. I have stress, worry, fear, and overall dissatisfaction with how my life is today. It’s compounded by the fact that my employee that I hired isn’t doing the work I expect to do. And the work that he portrayed he would be doing. So while I keep thinking I’ve got it covered and people are doing. The work, they really are not. The two people who I had to work for $20 an hour, neither of them are doing the work I want to miss you. Turns out they want their freedom more than they want the money. So I think my best bet is to hire somebody who needs the money, more than people who I think would be good. Because at least people who need the money are going to work.

it’s also challenging because I’m working from home, so I can’t just have any old person in my house. I need somebody working at my house who I can trust. It’s a complex situation I’m in, and really I should be doing the work myself instead of farming it out because I need the money.

so part of the suffering for me is coming from not wanting to do the work and still wanting the money. which, when I say it like that, who doesn’t feel that way?

but golly, when I look over my blog post here, what I see is somebody who’s up SAST with money. Constantly talking about money and how much I have, and how little I have, how much I need, and how much I’m going to guess, on. I just really want to stop talking about it altogether. And I should stop talking about it. But that’s what I suffer over. so how can I stop suffering over money? Should I just suffer over something else instead? Is that any better? I don’t think so. I need the suffering over money to be a trigger. Whenever I feel myself suffering over money I need to find something to be grateful for. I need to see the suffering over money as my minds way of looking for a solution outside of myself.

Spinning down

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it’s definitely something I’m familiar with, this been down that follows having no money, I need money for things. Normally I can handle it, then other times I can’t. This is one of those times where I let my guard down my pain came out.

i’ve been waiting on this check to come, and despite trying to be rational and remembering that it may not come, I somehow missed that I was believing it was. So then I started living my financial life as if the money was on its way, and really it could be another week, month, four year.

I have some other checks coming, and one of them will probably be here tomorrow, but I need the money today. Oils got a little bit of money, which is great, but I guess the part of me believes that she doesn’t actually have the money. So then I don’t feel okay when she says she has money. But that’s kind of crazy, because I think she does.

so you have probably several hundred dollars with a bill that have to be paid on Monday, and I don’t have a check to pay away. I don’t have the money in my account handle it. But that’s not the only thing bothering me, I’m also bothered about having to learn this new framework that I don’t understand, and my employees that are doing I want them to do, I’m just getting over the after effects of playing a long round of golf.

really, there’s nothing wrong. I have gas and a car and insurance, I paid my phone bill which was the most pressing, I have money on the way and the ability to earn money more, rock is going to summer camp, the fair start soon, and overall lots of people are willing to help.

So I really have nothing to complain about except this fear, anxiety,
and worry that comes with this stage of not having any money in the bank. But I cleaned out my coin jar and I have about $40 Innpoints. And I don’t really need much money between now and tomorrow. However, if tomorrow the monies not my mailbox or in my account, then I got to figure something out. Thankfully my friend said he could lend me some money, but I hope it doesn’t come today.

It’s nice though, even just dialoguing about this makes me start to feel little bit better. As soon as I realize that I even believe my wife had the money she said she had, I started feeling a little bit better. It’s strange house these tiny little things can turn into a big thing that we don’t even see you there.

It’s a race

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supposedly there’s a check on its way to me pretty soon, but right now the phone company wants to be paid there’s a lien filed against me for not pay my sewer bill, we have to pay for my sons course, and we’re going to be going out of town. I also have employees that need to be paid. So some Jack is going to arrive, and all is going to be well I’m sure, but things might not make it right on the timeline I need them to so I’m a little stressed about that.

Now I’m dizzy

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I don’t even know what it is, but I’m feeling kind of dizzy. I was in the woods camping over the weekend, right next to the river. I don’t know if I had anything to do with it. I just know that when I cough or even looked at my phone, I get a little bit woozy.

I guess I’m suffering a little bit over it, because I keep trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. I keep thinking about whether or not there’s something really wrong with me. I think that maybe I should go to the emergency room, but I don’t really want to. Just seems like such a hassle.