i told him i wouldn’t put in any money towards a new tv, so he asks her. she says of course. then he tells me about the the tv they were shopping for on ebay.  she should have told me.  fuck, now i’m pissed, that hurts his feelings.  she’s mad at me for getting mad.  i can’t fucking win.

i can see them doing what they can to stay away from me.  that bothers me too. sick, feel like shit, feeling afraid of not enough money, house is a mess, fuck fuck fuck.  how is this my life?

I can tell when things are going well because I’m not blocking in here. When things are going well I’m not talking about my suffering. I am having suffering, but at least not to the extent that I feel like I need to blog about it. But right now I am.

my stereo just died in my car again. I’m pretty sure it died because of water getting into the amp. Because the trunk leaks, because the car is old. It’s got 250,000 miles on it, and you know what, I think it’s time for a new car. But I can’t afford one right now, so I just have to suffer with this bullshit.

Here I am the guy working with michael gerber driving a piece of shit.

we only have one check left from our settlement and then that money’s gone. And right now I’m kind of on fumes because one of my clients hasn’t paid me yet. I know things are getting better, and it won’t be long before money isn’t an issue, but today it is. And I guess the reality is I have enough to make it through today, but I’m just a little bit tired of this whole conversation.

it’s hard enough managing my own suffering, but when my wife is suffering that’s hard. It seems that she knows all the same things I know, but she’s just not interested in putting them in the practice the way I do. So she just sits there and suffers.

That really fucking sucks that she is so tired, and so drained energy wise, and doesn’t have that ability to just shake it off and keep going. I try and talk to her about goals and she’s like all yeah I already have goals. I try and talk to her about motivation and she’s like oh yeah I have motivation I try and talk to her about making a list of things to do and she says oh I have a list of things to do. But at the end of the day Nana that shit matters because she still suffering. So I say she needs goals.

and really if she were to listen to Jim Rohn, or six Ziegler, or Brian Tracy, she would get motivated if she were just willing to follow their instructions. But she’s not. She doesn’t want to listen to Jim Rome, she doesn’t want to listen to Brian Tracy. She wants to do it her way which doesn’t work

since the majority of my suffering of late has been around money, and now currently, money is not an issue, my mind immediately had to find something new to suffer about. So now I’m suffering over being too busy. Overwhelm. This is something I’ve suffered about quite a bit in my life. I remember years back in my partnership, my business partner would often talk to me about my story of overwhelmed.

But what is a story of overwhelm? Really it’s just that I have a list of things to do. Like right now I’m driving to teach a class. That’s all that’s going on. I’m in my car driving to a class. I’m maximizing my time by making this recording while I drive, so I’m really doing two things. And I’m still not satisfied.

Maybe if I was brushing my teeth at the same time I would feel better. I could sit here and try and dissect all the things that are wrong in my life. And try and somehow link my overwhelmed story and my suffering to all the things that are wrong, but really things are awesome.

all that’s really going on as I need to be more accountable for my task management. I need to do a better job of laying out what I’m going to do when, and then sticking to it. instead what I do is I make promises that will be hard for me to keep, but will make sure I get things done. Like saying I will have something to somebody by Tuesday, when really I would need at least till Thursday to do it.

so I guess what I’m really suffering over is a lack of integrity around task management. I’m not leaving enough time to do the things, and I’m really not committed to doing a lot of the things, so that when I do have time to do it, I’m not doing it. I just put it off thinking that I can do it later. The reality is a lot of this has to do with my bookkeeping, and I’m doing what I have to do to get caught up there. I have an ad running, and I have nearly 20 people who are going to be interviewing with me on Wednesday. So I’m certain I’ll hire somebody phenomenal. And once I have somebody doing the bookkeeping for me, things are going to a whole lot easier for me.

I haven’t even made the slightest attempt to get any more bookkeeping clients, because I already am behind on what I’m supposed to be doing. But once I’m caught up, the work is going to shift into more of an operations consulting role.

and the person that I hired help me with that, is going to be the same person who helps me build the system that runs my bookkeeping company.

now that I’ve tried to finish this speech to text three times, and it keeps crashing on me, I’m starting to get kind of pissed again. it’s really sucks, because I’m starting to feel better.

i’ll I was saying was that having dialogue about all of this, I feel a lot of my stress is gone away. A lot of my suffering is gone away. now I’m clear that I just need to stay committed to the goal, and keep having faith as Napoleon hill said. Faith is the only known antidote to failure, and that is what’s driving me through.

The unending suffering of being out of money. I keep thinking it’s going to be over soon, but it really never seems to end. I’m hoping that I can just get to a point where I don’t have to think about it anymore. But honestly I don’t think that’s going to happen. But at least what will happen is albeit would’ve stop thinking about where my next meal to come from, or whether I should fill the tank up all the way out my car. So now I’m on my way to my moms house to borrow money yet again.

I thought I was done borrowing money from my mommy. But apparently not. With checks on the way, it’s even harder to need to borrow money, but I’m going out of town and those checks are going to arrive when I’m not here.

it really sucks. I have stress, worry, fear, and overall dissatisfaction with how my life is today. It’s compounded by the fact that my employee that I hired isn’t doing the work I expect to do. And the work that he portrayed he would be doing. So while I keep thinking I’ve got it covered and people are doing. The work, they really are not. The two people who I had to work for $20 an hour, neither of them are doing the work I want to miss you. Turns out they want their freedom more than they want the money. So I think my best bet is to hire somebody who needs the money, more than people who I think would be good. Because at least people who need the money are going to work.

it’s also challenging because I’m working from home, so I can’t just have any old person in my house. I need somebody working at my house who I can trust. It’s a complex situation I’m in, and really I should be doing the work myself instead of farming it out because I need the money.

so part of the suffering for me is coming from not wanting to do the work and still wanting the money. which, when I say it like that, who doesn’t feel that way?

but golly, when I look over my blog post here, what I see is somebody who’s up SAST with money. Constantly talking about money and how much I have, and how little I have, how much I need, and how much I’m going to guess, on. I just really want to stop talking about it altogether. And I should stop talking about it. But that’s what I suffer over. so how can I stop suffering over money? Should I just suffer over something else instead? Is that any better? I don’t think so. I need the suffering over money to be a trigger. Whenever I feel myself suffering over money I need to find something to be grateful for. I need to see the suffering over money as my minds way of looking for a solution outside of myself.

I thought getting my wife arthritis medication was going to be a good thing, but the more I read about these fucking medications, the more it feels like I’m in a watch my wife Diane front of my eyes. At least with the arthritis and no medication she was going to live, probably be crippled. But now she might not live at all if she goes down the road of these horrible medications. So now I’m questioning whether she should even take them. which of course has me choosing to watch her become crippled.