Monthly Archives: December 2014

too much anger

I just been really pissed off lately. I am not sure exactly what it is, but it feels to me like it’s fear about money. I haven’t been working enough, not going enough, and I’m feeling the effects

there’s this underlying fear that we’re going to run out of money and I’ll be able to pay our bills. Even though I know that’s not true. But I’m looking at paying the mortgage and our utilities, and what it would cost to pay Bright water if they say we can put Rafa back, and there’s just not enough money.

my fear really is completely irrational because here I am at the precipice of what I believe is going to be a very profitable year. And rather than being present to that right now, I’m pissed off about what it’s not.

I meditated, not for very long but for a little while, but that didn’t seem to entirely help. Because right now I’m just feeling time pressure, money pressure, and overall meeting more clients.

at the same time I have new clients coming on board right now. I just don’t know exactly how many. But I got a lead from Leeron, I have basil, and I have whatever lead time to get from bernston porter. Not to mention the CFO people I was talking to last week. So I think I’m actually going to be very busy very soon. And this little hick up in money is only going to be temporary. Just this two weeks, and then will be fine again.

so I just need to remember to breathe, relax, I’m doing everything right and people believe in me.

and I guess here’s the crazy thing. While I’m sitting you’re panicking about how I don’t have enough money, and I’m not working hard enough, I’m on my way driving to Everett and being paid to do the work that I need to do for my client. So that is a little bit ridiculous. And I have plenty of work right now, I’m just not doing it. There’s so much work to do for CK oh I should be doing that and I’m not. So that’s not complaining that I don’t have enough work at complaining I’m not doing the work which is retarded

no suffering for a month?

well that certainly isn’t possible. But what has been going on is that I don’t really have time to post on here. Wow! that’s complete bullshit.

The reality is I’m working my ass off right now trying to get ready for the software launch. I’m underfunded, too much to do, and it’s really hard to focus on bookkeeping and building the software while it’s the holidays. Shopping and partying and dinners, it’s so time-consuming. Plus I’ve been trying to go to bed at the same time as oriole lately which is totally messing me up.

What I should be doing is focusing on bookkeeping except that I can’t finish my software phone still working on bookkeeping. So I know I’m not gonna make as much doing bookkeeping right now as I should, but I also know if I don’t get this offer don’t never gonna make any money with that thing.

have a less stress, I’m being asked my family, I have money concerns, I’m worried about this mole on my back that could be a tumor, I have to quit my tai chi because of my teacher not being up to the level that I want him to be, we’re trying to get Rafa back in Brightwater and they said no, so now were kind of fighting with them about it, but really I kind I don’t want to go cause it cost a lot of money and I don’t know it right now. So the whole thing is just stressing me out.

and this is what I’m suffering over. But really I’m so focused on what I’m doing but I’m just not paying much attention to what I’m suffering about. as is evidenced by the fact that I haven’t posted in here in a month. And now that’s really all I have to say about it because right this moment I’m not suffering other than that I’m taking time to do this when I really should be building my software.

The highs and the lows

so I thought that my client was going to start paying me a very nice monthly amount to help them with their business, but she just told me that now they don’t want to move that quickly. So that’s not going to happen.

so I was really looking forward to her saying yes to that, and I had felt really attached I guess, also now feeling completely fucking foolish for telling anybody about it, since now it’s not going to happen.

and it’s fine, because I still have plenty of work, and I’ll be able to make a decent living, but I guess I felt like I wasn’t gonna have to work so hard. But now it looks like I do.

so I’m feeling some regret as well because I didn’t work as hard over the last two weeks as I should have, so now I don’t have as much money as I’m supposed to, and now I have to cash the final track but I have of my savings.

it sucks that I had an employee I thought was helping me and turns out he wasn’t very good and I had to let them go. And although I want to grow this company and get somebody to start helping, right now it’s got to be me. And I have a real problem with focusing my attention on just doing the work that needs to be done.

i’m so focused on trying to get my software done, because I believe that’s actually going to make me money. And maybe I should just let that go and believe that that software is going to be just as much of a challenge as this bookkeeping business.

The up and down of my life is really hard sometimes, and right now I just have this feeling in my stomach like I want to barf.

I just wish I was sitting on my cushion right now, but instead I’m driving. So I’m driving home as fast as I can so that I can get to my cushion so I can sit.

Then I got this email from Michael saying that he’s gonna start contacting all the leads that come in. Clearly it feels to me like the faith that he has in me to do this job of closing deals as diminished. Who I am and his eyes has certainly fallen. And I’m sad about that. But ultimately I don’t have the time to do what he’s asking me to do and still keep my family making enough money.