i told him i wouldn’t put in any money towards a new tv, so he asks her. she says of course. then he tells me about the the tv they were shopping for on ebay. she should have told me. fuck, now i’m pissed, that hurts his feelings. she’s mad at me for getting mad. i can’t fucking win.
i can see them doing what they can to stay away from me. that bothers me too. sick, feel like shit, feeling afraid of not enough money, house is a mess, fuck fuck fuck. how is this my life?
i’m trying to understand what it is that’s bothering me. There shouldn’t be anything wrong, things are actually good. We have money, I seem to be doing OK with clients, I can do whatever I want with girls and drugs if I wanted to. I’m not in pain, I’m not sick, I am meditating, and yet I’m pissed.
My only guess is that there’s nothing wrong and I’m just feeling irritable. patient acceptance is the access and endurance comes before that, but I’m just not feeling upset about anything in particular. Well I guess that’s not true, because Aureole is in pain. Her pain bothers me.
I just pulled up outside the Buddhist temple and I’m going to chill here for a minute and see what that does for me.
well I’m definitely a little bit less upset right now. Little bit more meditation I think is what I need. I can hear myself trying to justify that I should smoke but I don’t want to. i’m able to resist and just get back to what I need to do but I guess I’m feeling like when oriole is not doing well, that normally I would be able to get some love and inspiration from her but now I cannot.
i’m really present to what’s wrong and I just need to shift my focus to what’s right. I need to shift my focus to what’s awesome!
I really fucking hate Seattle traffic. Everywhere I go there’s fucking traffic. It’s 1140 in the afternoon and there’s fucking traffic. What should take me 40 minutes take me an hour and 20 minutes. So I need to plan for an extra 20 to 40 minutes to get anywhere. Then it’s stop and go on every road.
I realize that it would be easy to stop being pissed by leaving earlier, which I don’t do. So it’s really my own fucking fault, and it’s not like I can blame an entire city. When I do blame the fucking stupid engineers who built this place. That doesn’t make any sense either does it?
i’m sure the people who built the roads are pretty fucking smart. It probably didn’t make any sense to build for the volume of traffic now, when it was quite difficult to predict how big the city would get. so the reality is it just feels like fucking bullshit that I have to sit in this stupid ass traffic all the time.
i’m literally like a mile away from my exit and sitting still in the fucking line of cars that are trying to get off of this road.and while I can sit here and bitch and moan, it doesn’t change anything. The only thing I can change what time I leave my house.
been smoking pot heavily too long. just quit after two weeks of phish and partying. feel like shit. cant breathe, tired, crabby. want to sleep, want to feel normal again.