I can’t really point any one thing that’s wrong. I’m just pissed. I mean it’s definitely about money, but it’s also just about life in general. It seems so fucked right now. And it I don’t see that the suffering is ending anytime soon, so I get to just be stuck in the shit.

I could make a list of all the things that are pissing me off, but I’ve arty done that with all my previous blog posts. So there’s really no point in saying what here’s a list of things that are bothering me. It’s just the same shit bothering me again. But I guess that’s where I get to start really looking at the suffering, because of it’s the same shit bothering me again, and I already know that it’s just my suffering, then why is it bothering. me?

it’s not like there’s some answer either, because really it’s just take a breath, be in the now, motivate yourself again, put a smile on your face, breeze, meditate, do all the things I’m supposed to do to make myself feel better.

But what really pisses me off is I’m getting tired of having to make myself feel better.

This business I’m building seems to be working, but it’s a long process. But I’m glad to have work, and I feel good about where things are going, but it could be another six months of this. And I’m tired of the bullshit.

Even though I know the future is going to be much better than it is today, at least financially, it hurts a lot to have $200 in overdraft charges. But I really had no choice, I didn’t have any money, and there were charges that needed to go through. I saw them coming, I wish I could’ve been something about it, but I couldn’t. So I just had to see it as the cost of being broke.
I needed that money, I need those overdraft charges reversed, but ask the bank to reverse them so many times, but I just feel like they’re not going to do at this time. It wasn’t a bank error, it was totally my fault.

Boy I’m looking forward to when this financial suffering is over. I feel like I’m just around the corner from that happening, has business is picking up and people owe me money, now it’s just time for me to start sending out invoices and collecting.

It’s funny sitting here, thinking about how little money I have, and thinking about how much I’m going to have. I just have to remember to take a breath, smile, and just enjoy this moment right now.

Just to keep things in perspective, today I’m suffering over my oil leak. I’m actually suffering over money, and it’s really the oil that is making it so obvious. I had this Whitelake fixed once before, but now it has started up again. And since but I really need to do is take it to a mechanic and get it fixed, I don’t have the money for that, I just have to watch oil dripping out of my car onto the street everywhere I go.

it really puts it in my face. then as I walk around the store looking at underwear, which is what I’m here to do is buy some underwear for my son, when I see that it cost $34, it really emotionally hits me. How fucked, am I? I really should not be in this situation. But I am. I guess it’s not really accurate shouldn’t be in this situation, because I am in this situation. So clearly I should be.

I think what I mean is I wish I was not in this position right now. And I’m looking forward to when I will not be in this position anymore. which by the way, should be soon.

I was just having a conversation with my wife, telling her about my suffering, and she mentioned that she thought it was a healthy way to deal with it. I thought I would just mention how it is.

I have a friend who’s dying from cancer, I lost my best friend to an overdose eight years ago, my wife has a serious illness. These are things that I could suffer over, and I do. But more than that I focus on being present.

it’s completely okay, to experience suffering. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging the suffering. We all experience it, everybody reading this is experiencing suffering at some point. Sometimes daily. Sometimes constantly.

I’m just calling it like. I see it. And it actually makes a difference for everyone, not just for me. By calling out my suffering the way I do, I relieve myself of it, and that then doesn’t impact other people negatively. As it otherwise would.

it’s been a couple days since I posted anything in my suffering blog, but doesn’t mean there’s been no suffering.

of course, my life there’s always suffering. I may not all the time, but a lot. But these days I’m kind of suffering over my wife suffering. Now that she’s decided to take methotrexate, it’s a lot harder around our house.

I guess I didn’t really think about how serious the side effects might be, when I was thinking that she should start doing this. I still would’ve made the same choice, but this was a pretty big thing that we started.

so I see her tired, nauseous, anxious, sad, and it’s stressful.

where I’m not suffering. I have almost no money, my wife still has all her problems, but I’m just not suffering right now. Mom my way to meet a client, I’ll have lunch with a friend, then I’m to go to the doctor for my back pain, and that’s my day.

I have no doubt that at some point today I will experience offering. Because I tends to come frequently. But right now, there’s just presence.

if any one of the times in my life when I said this is the lowest point my life is ever going to get to, if any of those were true I wouldn’t be saying this right now.

But they’re not, because here I am feeling like I’m at a low point again. I wonder if feeling a lowpoint, which doesn’t actually exist, has anything to do with how I feel about it?

Could it be, that walking around this neighborhood of expensive homes is making me depressed? The logical part of me says it’s good to walk around neighborhoods like this. But then I just keep asking myself “When will I ever get to live like this?”

and then the answer comes to me of course, soon.

Yep that’s right, it’s my birthday. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have to suffer though. Suffering is just one of those activities I do, just like peeing and brushing my teeth. So since it’s my birthday, I was hoping to have a good birthday, but instead it’s been a fucked up birthday.

This morning I had to leave my wife at the rheumatologist while she was crying, so that she could get on medication that will likely caused her a lot of problems, but will help her arthritis. Then I had to go to my mortgage mediation to find out that it’s postponed, which actually is good news for me, except that it looked like they were going to reject me if we hadn’t postponed. So I might have that looking forward to later.

So I get home and take a little nap, which was nice, and then my wife’s making dinner, which was great, but by the time I woke up, she’s in so much pain that she can barely stand. So we hurriedly ate dinner and then she gets up from the table and goes to lay down. So she’s in bed for the rest of the night. I was going to go to the spa, because it’s free ony birthday, but instead spent the night comforting her and comforting my other son who was sad about my wife. Then I have to clean the kitchen and get ready for my son’s birthday which is tomorrow.

So that’s my birthday, happy birthday.

so he gets this thing from the library, Coldplay away. You’re supposed to listen to it and it has like books on audio. But this particular play away for some reason, every time he gets bumped it shuts off.

this time it just switched chapters all of a sudden, so either way no matter what’s happening with it it’s really driving him kind of crazy.

so for a moment I distract him, by showing in this beautiful rainbow. And that his suffering stops just for the moment. But now that he’s trying once again to listeners play away I can see the concern on his face that it’s going to happen again. Isn’t that what’s going on? No he says.

What is going on then, I ask him. I don’t know, he I ask him?. No he says. So I guess I’ve done my job I’ve helped him not suffer. But what’s even better is that now he recognizes that that is just another form of suffering.