The unending suffering of being out of money. I keep thinking it’s going to be over soon, but it really never seems to end. I’m hoping that I can just get to a point where I don’t have to think about it anymore. But honestly I don’t think that’s going to happen. But at least what will happen is albeit would’ve stop thinking about where my next meal to come from, or whether I should fill the tank up all the way out my car. So now I’m on my way to my moms house to borrow money yet again.

I thought I was done borrowing money from my mommy. But apparently not. With checks on the way, it’s even harder to need to borrow money, but I’m going out of town and those checks are going to arrive when I’m not here.

it really sucks. I have stress, worry, fear, and overall dissatisfaction with how my life is today. It’s compounded by the fact that my employee that I hired isn’t doing the work I expect to do. And the work that he portrayed he would be doing. So while I keep thinking I’ve got it covered and people are doing. The work, they really are not. The two people who I had to work for $20 an hour, neither of them are doing the work I want to miss you. Turns out they want their freedom more than they want the money. So I think my best bet is to hire somebody who needs the money, more than people who I think would be good. Because at least people who need the money are going to work.

it’s also challenging because I’m working from home, so I can’t just have any old person in my house. I need somebody working at my house who I can trust. It’s a complex situation I’m in, and really I should be doing the work myself instead of farming it out because I need the money.

so part of the suffering for me is coming from not wanting to do the work and still wanting the money. which, when I say it like that, who doesn’t feel that way?

but golly, when I look over my blog post here, what I see is somebody who’s up SAST with money. Constantly talking about money and how much I have, and how little I have, how much I need, and how much I’m going to guess, on. I just really want to stop talking about it altogether. And I should stop talking about it. But that’s what I suffer over. so how can I stop suffering over money? Should I just suffer over something else instead? Is that any better? I don’t think so. I need the suffering over money to be a trigger. Whenever I feel myself suffering over money I need to find something to be grateful for. I need to see the suffering over money as my minds way of looking for a solution outside of myself.