it’s 430 in the morning and I’m up working. I have to keep working because my family needs me. My Wife can’t work because she’s ill she has a chronic condition that makes it not possible for her to work a regular job. i’ve been trying to rebuild the business ever since mine collapsed a few years ago and although things are starting to look better we’re far from being out of the woods.

I’m supposed to get up at 6:30 to drive my kids to school and it’s 4;30, so I’m gonna get two hours of sleep tonight. Although I got to got a lot of good work done tonight I actually didn’t make any money in the last six hours that I was working. So I’m sitting here thinking about the people who owe me money, and the people I work for and the people who said they will pay me for work and while I’m broke as fuck I’m sitting here working on my own business.

It’s hard to explain why I do this. I don’t even think you care. But the suffering I experience is about whether I should’ve gone to sleep six hours ago and how tired I’m going to be two hours from now, and then instead of going to sleep I’m dictating into my fucking phone because I’m so irritated that this is my life.
At the same time things are amazing. I can’t even comprehend how awesome things are right now, and they’re only getting better. And I can see how much better they’re getting, but it doesn’t change my suffering today.
it’s like telling A kid he’ going to get ice cream after he gets his tonsils out. you can be excited about the ice cream, but it doesn’t really make the surgery any easier.
But what’s so wonderful is I really see the suffering, and it doesn’t actually feel that bad because I see it as suffering. I see it as my mind fucking with me, so I can just breathe and smile and just know that yes I’ll be tired but I’ll make it through, and eventually I’ll get to sleep. and yes I’m broke now, but I’ll make it through and eventually I’ll have money again.
or I’ll die that’s the other option but we’ll talk about death another time right now it’s just sleep on my mind