it’s funny how things get better and then they get worse and then they get better again and then they get worse again where I start feeling better about things and then all the sudden I had a little patch and I’m suffering again.

I get this thought that maybe I won’t have to suffer anymore, but I know that’s ridiculous.

I get this thought that this will be the last time I have to blog about my suffering, but I know that’s ridiculous.

I noticed when I stop putting chemicals in my body which I used to minimize my suffering and I’m really not happy with my life. I think about whether or not I’ll ever get to the point where I don’t want to use drugs and alcohol to dull my pain.

Will I get to where I’m all healed, and where there is no more pain? It seems very unlikely. I feel like I have in my mind the thought that money is going to make me happy, even though it didn’t work for other people. But the reality is is a nicer car or a nicer house or all the food that I could possibly want those things gonna make me feel whole inside?

when both my parents are dead and I gonna be happier or less happy? When I don’t have to work anymore and I gonna be happier? When I can meditate all the time and I gonna be happier?

I have this vision in my mind that a beautiful house and nothing to do on my list of things to do other than what I want, a life like I imagined timber him as, I imagine that’s the life or I’ll be happy. Where I have my little acupuncture practice and my kung fu school, that’s the imagined life of happiness, the orchard and the sunset view, I’m assistant and a chef and a housekeeper that’s the great life. I’m in Mark Cuban thinks he has that life, or at least it looks to me like he does.

we are broke as shit, there ain’t no telling how long this is going to go on but I think it’s only going to be another week or two.

I just nailed a whale of a contract and I’m super excited about how things are going right now.

I did just spend some time with my family and that’s hard because my brothers having a tough time in his life.

and things aren’t the best at home, I miss my wife, I’ve been working too much, but I just hired a new employee and I think that’s going to relieve some of the pressure for me.

when I meet somebody who has a 30 person bookkeeping for him, all the sudden I feel useless.
I question everything about what I’m doing, my software, my bookkeeping, everything about me.
I meet all these people seem to have more money than me, more experience than me, more clients than me, more relationships than me and it just feels like I’m a fucking loser.

like this whole idea that I had for what I’m going to build this bullshit. But I don’t really know because I’m new to everything. In the world of mortgages I was a small fish in a big pond.

in the world of everything on the small fish in a big pond.I keep thinking that I’m onto something, and then I realize I’m onto nothing. I don’t even know what that means to be onto nothing, but I know how it feels. And it feels like I’m barely going anywhere
all this work I’m doing to generate business is going to work but how my going to make any money? Kevin just told me that they do bookkeeping at the same rates as I do. How what I partner up with somebody like that and make money?

and that’s exactly the kind of person I want to give business to but at those rates but doesn’t leave any room for me.

how do I tell people about this remarkable thing that I do? I have to figure out how to do that. Bookkeeping isn’t enough,I need these case studies that show how my bookkeeping increases somebody’s revenue.
I guess what I have to remember is that all of these people who I meet are doing whatever they’re doing and it’s working however it’s working. My perception of how great their life is because that sounds like they’re doing better than me it’s just that, my perception. How many of them go on meditation retreats? How many of them have a relationship with their wife like I do? How many of them are committed to their spiritual development?
I can say all kinds of good things about myself to try and pump myself up but the reality is right now I just feel terrible. The reality is right now I feel worthless and unrecognized. Right now people don’t see me as the guy who can perform miracles
and the reality is you’re either going to turn something into something or you’re not.
you’re either going to create something that people are grateful for and that they’re happy about using as a service or you’re not. But you’re doing things right Russ. You sell it very simple service, your priced correctly, you do it really well compared to most bookkeepers, even though you still have some things to learn, and you were working the unless referrals program with you only just started doing. What you’re feeling right now it’s resistance you’re feeling stinking thinking, and you got a not let that get to you

you got to keep the most important thing in front of you right now and that is Bill six hours a day so you guys have enough money.
you just got an appointment with a lady who probably is going to hire you and give you a lot of work.
want to try and be grateful just for a second that you paid five dollars for a lead that could turn into thousands of dollars in income.

you actually have plenty of work right now that you should be doing. so shake it off, get your mind back on important thing number one, get those hours billed and get your work done. when you’re billing six or $7000 a month you’re going to feel so much better about life in general. and if you keep doing what you’re doing, eventually you’re going to find something that works. Edison did it and so will you.

today she’s doing okay today I have, although she still complains of PMS and uses that is why she should be feeling not okay even though she says she is. She’s impatient that’s all, i’m sleepy.

well that certainly isn’t possible. But what has been going on is that I don’t really have time to post on here. Wow! that’s complete bullshit.

The reality is I’m working my ass off right now trying to get ready for the software launch. I’m underfunded, too much to do, and it’s really hard to focus on bookkeeping and building the software while it’s the holidays. Shopping and partying and dinners, it’s so time-consuming. Plus I’ve been trying to go to bed at the same time as oriole lately which is totally messing me up.

What I should be doing is focusing on bookkeeping except that I can’t finish my software phone still working on bookkeeping. So I know I’m not gonna make as much doing bookkeeping right now as I should, but I also know if I don’t get this offer don’t never gonna make any money with that thing.

have a less stress, I’m being asked my family, I have money concerns, I’m worried about this mole on my back that could be a tumor, I have to quit my tai chi because of my teacher not being up to the level that I want him to be, we’re trying to get Rafa back in Brightwater and they said no, so now were kind of fighting with them about it, but really I kind I don’t want to go cause it cost a lot of money and I don’t know it right now. So the whole thing is just stressing me out.

and this is what I’m suffering over. But really I’m so focused on what I’m doing but I’m just not paying much attention to what I’m suffering about. as is evidenced by the fact that I haven’t posted in here in a month. And now that’s really all I have to say about it because right this moment I’m not suffering other than that I’m taking time to do this when I really should be building my software.

and now this month I knew month the following month there’s one more thing although the rest of that is still very accurate and that is that second buyer know and she thinks that she has Alzheimer’s and that’s terrible because Alzheimer’s can’t smell and she means that if she has Alzheimer’s and can’t smell then she won’t be able to enjoy your food.

oriole has a delayed sense of smell and therefore it’s almost 100% certainty that she has Alzheimer’s maybe you have something completely new we haven’t thought of you have a disease all the things that start with asthma Alzheimer’s arthritis onomatopoeia a wonderful husband out. A boo.

so the game in business becomes how do I run a business even though I have idiots working for me? Just a constant barrage of idiotic questions from people with no brains. It really fucking sucks that I have to repeat myself like 100 times to these fucking idiots. Who keeps saying I got it I got it I got it and they don’t. Then the next day they’re like how do I do this again. I’m like really are you fucking stupid?

I guess the ironic thing is my client does that to me. And I’m thinking really? You’re going to think I’m stupid?

So I’m sitting here bitching about my stupid employees, I really have to remember that other people out there think I’m stupid and since I know I’m not, my employees probably no they’re not also. And what I feel when my client treats me like I’m stupid is fuck you. And that’s exactly what’s going to happen with my employees if I treat them like they’re stupid. They’re going to quit. He’s going to tell me sorry this isn’t for me. And then I’m gonna have to go hire another new person and get them trained.

I leave my house at 2:30 to go up to Everett and it is nothing but wall-to-wall fucking traffic. This is such total bullshit, there must be an accident up ahead. I’ll be grateful when I find out, but meanwhile I’m trying to use Siri to read an attachment to an email. It should be a simple thing, but no.

It’s not simple cause it’s fucking Siri, and it’s moronic how poor it does what it’s supposed to do.

I guess really I don’t have anything to complain about, because life is pretty damn good right now. But for some reason I’m still really irritated right this minute. I think what’s bothering me is having to leave my employee at the house, not knowing what she’s doing, while I leave knowing she’s probably going to screw things up while I’m gone.

i’m even concerned that she’s going to steal from me, and maybe she will. Well thankfully in the time and text me to write this I passed the accident and now I’m flying down the freeway again. Yay!

but I can’t help thinking how much it sucks to be alive sometimes. I watch the suffering, and the misery of this life. Not just for me but for so many others. But then I see that it really is just a constant opportunity.

And then these amazing things happen. All of a sudden I have more clients than I have time. All of a sudden I need good people who can do good work. And so many people want to pay me, to do the exact work I’m the best app which is making businesses run.