well it’s the day after Thanksgiving and I am thankful, I’m grateful, but panicking a little bit. I just checked my bank account and there’s no more payments coming in from stripe at this point, and I have just enough to pay the mortgage and leave me with nothing.

oriole basically has no money in her bank account either, well that’s not true she has her savings of about 2500 and more checks coming in now for this month.

I know it will all work out but after I pay the mortgage I’m not gonna have any money left so I don’t like that, because it prevents me from spending money, which is what I want to go do right now.

since it’s Black Friday I was thinking I would use my office depot gift certificates and coupons and get raw for that computer he wanted, but now I can’t so that had me feeling pressure like I had to take advantage of this Black Friday opportunity, which is crazy

I don’t even like black Friday

it’s $360 to fix the ball joint in my car. It’s the worst sound in the world to me right now. Everett Creek reminds me of how short our finances are. Every fucking phone call from bayview reminding me I haven’t paid the mortgage. I making an attempt to quit smoking and it’s day two and I am pissed.  it feels like everything is wrong.

i’m really irritated that Evan ocean is asking for a fucking refund. It really is a problem working for attorneys because they can sue you so easily.

it’s a good lesson though, going forward how to properly structure my contracts so that asswipes don’t try and sue me afterwards. Ultimately he can go fuck himself, but it’s so irritating to even have to deal with that shit.

i’m trying to understand what it is that’s bothering me. There shouldn’t be anything wrong, things are actually good. We have money, I seem to be doing OK with clients, I can do whatever I want with girls and drugs if I wanted to. I’m not in pain, I’m not sick, I am meditating, and yet I’m pissed.

My only guess is that there’s nothing wrong and I’m just feeling irritable. patient acceptance is the access and endurance comes before that, but I’m just not feeling upset about anything in particular. Well I guess that’s not true, because Aureole is in pain. Her pain bothers me.

I just pulled up outside the Buddhist temple and I’m going to chill here for a minute and see what that does for me.

well I’m definitely a little bit less upset right now. Little bit more meditation I think is what I need. I can hear myself trying to justify that I should smoke but I don’t want to. i’m able to resist and just get back to what I need to do but I guess I’m feeling like when oriole is not doing well, that normally I would be able to get some love and inspiration from her but now I cannot.

i’m really present to what’s wrong and I just need to shift my focus to what’s right. I need to shift my focus to what’s awesome!

I really fucking hate Seattle traffic. Everywhere I go there’s fucking traffic. It’s 1140 in the afternoon and there’s fucking traffic. What should take me 40 minutes take me an hour and 20 minutes. So I need to plan for an extra 20 to 40 minutes to get anywhere. Then it’s stop and go on every road.

I realize that it would be easy to stop being pissed by leaving earlier, which I don’t do. So it’s really my own fucking fault, and it’s not like I can blame an entire city. When I do blame the fucking stupid engineers who built this place. That doesn’t make any sense either does it?

i’m sure the people who built the roads are pretty fucking smart. It probably didn’t make any sense to build for the volume of traffic now, when it was quite difficult to predict how big the city would get. so the reality is it just feels like fucking bullshit that I have to sit in this stupid ass traffic all the time.

i’m literally like a mile away from my exit and sitting still in the fucking line of cars that are trying to get off of this road.and while I can sit here and bitch and moan, it doesn’t change anything. The only thing I can change what time I leave my house.

been smoking pot heavily too long.  just quit after two weeks of phish and partying.  feel like shit. cant breathe, tired, crabby.  want to sleep, want to feel normal again.

I haven’t been smoking for the last couple days, and immediately the suffering has begun.

it’s about money. Even though I think we probably have enough.

so here’s the current list of things I’m suffering over. Overdraft charges, shut off notices, undercharging clients, falling behind in my work, quitting smoking, getting over being sick, shitty old cars, trash in front of the house, jealousy, envy, greed, lust, my messy garage,

missed opportunities, loneliness, avoiding meat

well second day no smoking and that sure is not fun to live in the moment without having a distraction. Suffering is so exquisite at this moment I can just feel the brokenness and the sickness and the craziness and all of the anger and frustration and pain and madness and misery it’s just all seething.

Fired Sara today which felt good, interviewed somebody else who I thought could be good, but it kind of scares me a little bit to hire another person because there’s just not enough revenue right now. I think even if she says she wants the job I just should not take it. Me Liam and Jeremy can do this

getting sued again, basely the other side of the lawsuit I just went there with vivek. Thankfully I know exactly what to do

The dumb bitch Angie is suing Aureole for what amounts to $25,000 for what she thinks is half of the profit from next year. Her attorney is dumbass Josh locker. Amazing luck I have sometimes

Holy shit, I am in a serious bind and not sure what I’m going to do. I have no money, completely out, trying to collect as fast as I can from people, and have payroll due in just a few days. At this point it looks like I might make it, but I am seriously stressed about it.

In fact whenever I hear somebody talking about spending money, I’m mad at them, it’s crazy making. Curtis sent me an email about wanting to possibly buy an investment property in right away I’ll I thought was fuck you. How dare you talk about buying an investment property when I’m fucking broke.

it’s going to be okay though God dammit. I know it’s going to be okay, I know everything is going to be fine, but I just feel like shit right now.