I just want to fucking punch somebody right now. my neck hurts, and stressed because of all the things I have to do my employees aren’t doing what I want them to do correctly, money is just pouring out of me like a fucking sieve.

did I forget to mention, that because my son didn’t clean drain of hair like I told him to I ended up having to climb onto the house and snake the drain and get myself covered in feces. Now of course we’re covered in feces part was my own fault, because I used a plunger on my wife’s advice which had shit in it. So the shit came spilling out into the tub and so then when I got the water all drained out all over myself. I had shit covered water on my clothes and in my hair. It was quite a pleasant way to start the day

I had this call with gerber today and then got all caught up in my task management from our phone call. I completely forgot I had scheduled a massage. So then I go to leave and it’s bumper-to-bumper traffic all the way south. So now I’m 15 minutes late for my massage, which I thought I was getting a good deal because I became a member. But then since I am now only getting part of the time I’m paying for I’m back to having it be just a regular full price massage. So I’m just stressing about being late

i’ve got two new employee starting today, and really just kind of struggling with giving them enough work. There actually is plenty of work, but I just have to give them the right kind of work. I guess I’m actually doing that, but it feels a little chaotic in my brain right now. Then I’m getting emails from Michael about what’s going on on this project he’s giving me. A project by the way which isn’t making me any money, but is launching a program for him which is going to make him money. I get that he wants me to do it, and I really do want to do it, but I got to make sure I make in my dollars here.

i’m late for this chiropractic appointment I’m supposed to go to, and of course I made it on the same day when I had new employee starting not realizing that’s what was going to be going on. I’m trying to schedule time to go camping with My friend which is completely crazy since I’m so busy right now with work.

it’s when the light takes three or four, or five changes letting through only two or three cars the time, when I’m the 20th Carnline that I start to lose my shit. Then I start getting mad at all the drivers who don’t understand how fuck this light is. So they do things like turn on the right turn signal, and then stop at a red light and sit there

strangely enough, you would think that today would be a great day, because today I got the check of been waiting for, and I am no longer broke. And I’m about to have a few amazing times happen in my life, and yet I’m still kind of pissed. I can’t really put my finger on what it is, but it feels like I’m pissed about my wife still not being well.

maybe it is even more apparent now, that no matter what I do, she is still going to be having problems.

or maybe it’s because even though I know how much I’m getting, I wish it were more. Whatever! Never happy with what we have right? Will fuck it.

and it just goes on anon, idiot buses stopping right in front of me and putting on their hazards, douche bags crossing the street slowest fuck, a stop sign every block. It’s just continuing.

i’m on my way to the airport meet the man got in San Diego, and the traffic is her Renda’s at 2:30 in the afternoon. On a Thursday. I was driving in downtown, and left eye five to get on the 520 because I thought there be less traffic on the Eastside. But as soon as I made that decision I realized in haste I did that, because I five boys clears up right after downtown and 405 is jammed as far as a person can see.

I have plenty of time to get to the airport right now, my flight doesn’t leave for two hours. But I’m still pissed about sitting in this goddamn traffic. It’s the worst fucking traffic nightmare anywhere.

I know I’m going to get to the airport on time, and I’ll get on my plane, but I still can’t help thinking about how stupid this is to be literally sitting still on the freeway in the midafternoon

but I guess what’s the point in bitching about it right? It’s going to be what it’s going to be the matter what I do. I also know there’s no reason for this traffic. It’s just a lot of people hitting the brakes causing traffic. There’s probably not an accident, probably not a stalled car, just. regular old Seattle traffic

I ended up having to borrow $1000 from my mom, but now distresses been relieved, and then I got a check in the mail the next day which was also nice. So with the financial immediate needs taken care of, I’m free to relax and focus on the work at hand. Which is nice.

it’s amazing to me how much better it feels immediately as soon as I had the money, even before I put any of it in the bank or spend any of it. Just having it sitting there with me feel a lot more secure and calm.

it’s definitely something I’m familiar with, this been down that follows having no money, I need money for things. Normally I can handle it, then other times I can’t. This is one of those times where I let my guard down my pain came out.

i’ve been waiting on this check to come, and despite trying to be rational and remembering that it may not come, I somehow missed that I was believing it was. So then I started living my financial life as if the money was on its way, and really it could be another week, month, four year.

I have some other checks coming, and one of them will probably be here tomorrow, but I need the money today. Oils got a little bit of money, which is great, but I guess the part of me believes that she doesn’t actually have the money. So then I don’t feel okay when she says she has money. But that’s kind of crazy, because I think she does.

so you have probably several hundred dollars with a bill that have to be paid on Monday, and I don’t have a check to pay away. I don’t have the money in my account handle it. But that’s not the only thing bothering me, I’m also bothered about having to learn this new framework that I don’t understand, and my employees that are doing I want them to do, I’m just getting over the after effects of playing a long round of golf.

really, there’s nothing wrong. I have gas and a car and insurance, I paid my phone bill which was the most pressing, I have money on the way and the ability to earn money more, rock is going to summer camp, the fair start soon, and overall lots of people are willing to help.

So I really have nothing to complain about except this fear, anxiety,
and worry that comes with this stage of not having any money in the bank. But I cleaned out my coin jar and I have about $40 Innpoints. And I don’t really need much money between now and tomorrow. However, if tomorrow the monies not my mailbox or in my account, then I got to figure something out. Thankfully my friend said he could lend me some money, but I hope it doesn’t come today.

It’s nice though, even just dialoguing about this makes me start to feel little bit better. As soon as I realize that I even believe my wife had the money she said she had, I started feeling a little bit better. It’s strange house these tiny little things can turn into a big thing that we don’t even see you there.

supposedly there’s a check on its way to me pretty soon, but right now the phone company wants to be paid there’s a lien filed against me for not pay my sewer bill, we have to pay for my sons course, and we’re going to be going out of town. I also have employees that need to be paid. So some Jack is going to arrive, and all is going to be well I’m sure, but things might not make it right on the timeline I need them to so I’m a little stressed about that.