well since I’m almost asleep I guess it makes sense that I’d be tired right now. Just had lunch with a good friend and I find I just have too much to say. There’s so many things going on in my life right now, I feel little bit crazy. That’s crazy leads to overwhelm.
it leads to me feeling like I’m not getting everything done and I really should take time to meditate, and I haven’t, at least not as much as I should.
for my personality I really need to meditate 3 to 5 times a day, even if they’re short bursts, that really is a much better solution for me. But I don’t do that. And I’m still trying to understand why.
it’s like I wake up and I’ve got too many things to do, and I start going. And then I don’t want to stop. It’s like I’m on a roll and so I just keep foraging through, trying to take breaths throughout the day. And then I noticed this tension starts to build, and then I either have to sit for a have to get some exercise.

And regardless of how much I accomplish, I often feel like I haven’t done enough. Its very common, even when I’ve been working hard all day for me to sit down on the couch and think to myself “damn I’m lazy”
This is one way I deal with the suffering.

Ever since I got my iPhone 5 I’ve been going over on my data plan. which I had to call Verizon to figure out what’s going on. As it turns out, the iPhone 5 uses data a lot faster than the iPhone 4 and so you just use data a lot faster . and it seems like you’re using it the same.
so I’m sitting here trying to understand how people can afford cell phones. I remember when I got my first cell phone. It didn’t seem like it cost that much when it was just me, but with a family of four it’s like a car payment. And because I’m still in the process of trying to make my fortune, $264 seems like a lot. And I think about families who don’t have money like I do and I just can’t help but wonder how they do it. It’s just so common agonize over having to pay this bill. I’m so driven by knowing that if I don’t pay it I’ll lose communication with the world.
so I guess this one comes back to my suffering over money. I might as well look at what I’m writing and see what I suffer over. maybe I can solve them. There’s nothing wrong with trying to accomplish things even from the Buddhist perspective. Bodhipaksa says one of the Buddah’s last lessons was with mindfulness strive.
So this striving thing is okay as long as you’re doing mindfully which I feel like I do most of your time. I mean, I strive a lot I’m constantly looking for things to put my attention on to accomplish. I constantly have goals that I’m trying to achieve and things that I’m not getting done that I wish I was.
I feel my dissatisfaction with my own production and sometimes I feel lost and foolish and useless, but those are all my ego, my pain trying to drag me down.
i’m not going to let that happen, it’s a beautiful day. Even though I barely slept, I’m not too tired right now, and after some of the things I did last night, I’m feeling really good about some of the emails I will get today.

it’s pretty crazy when I haven’t slept. And then I wake up after just an hour or an hour and a half and my first thought is a negative one I’m so tired.
that my son says to me you shouldn’t start a sentence with a conjunction. And I’m thinking I barely slept I’m glad I can make a sentence at all since I’m currently driving on two hours of sleep is that a bad thing. Is that worse than texting and driving which I’m trying not to do anymore these days?
well I’m also late picking up the rest of the kids and I’m supposed to pick up so I start suffering over my own failure to be able to deliver children to school on time.

it’s 430 in the morning and I’m up working. I have to keep working because my family needs me. My Wife can’t work because she’s ill she has a chronic condition that makes it not possible for her to work a regular job. i’ve been trying to rebuild the business ever since mine collapsed a few years ago and although things are starting to look better we’re far from being out of the woods.

I’m supposed to get up at 6:30 to drive my kids to school and it’s 4;30, so I’m gonna get two hours of sleep tonight. Although I got to got a lot of good work done tonight I actually didn’t make any money in the last six hours that I was working. So I’m sitting here thinking about the people who owe me money, and the people I work for and the people who said they will pay me for work and while I’m broke as fuck I’m sitting here working on my own business.

It’s hard to explain why I do this. I don’t even think you care. But the suffering I experience is about whether I should’ve gone to sleep six hours ago and how tired I’m going to be two hours from now, and then instead of going to sleep I’m dictating into my fucking phone because I’m so irritated that this is my life.
At the same time things are amazing. I can’t even comprehend how awesome things are right now, and they’re only getting better. And I can see how much better they’re getting, but it doesn’t change my suffering today.
it’s like telling A kid he’ going to get ice cream after he gets his tonsils out. you can be excited about the ice cream, but it doesn’t really make the surgery any easier.
But what’s so wonderful is I really see the suffering, and it doesn’t actually feel that bad because I see it as suffering. I see it as my mind fucking with me, so I can just breathe and smile and just know that yes I’ll be tired but I’ll make it through, and eventually I’ll get to sleep. and yes I’m broke now, but I’ll make it through and eventually I’ll have money again.
or I’ll die that’s the other option but we’ll talk about death another time right now it’s just sleep on my mind

Got the WordPress app installed on my phone and now I’m able to post by audio, which is way better for me. Because I can talk all day long about my suffering, but typing all out is pretty difficult. i’m a pretty fast typist, but I discovered as I’ve been blogging a lot and it really is easier for me to say what I’m thinking because I can’t type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts and I start getting frustrated and I start questioning what I’m typing because I thought that I have may take a lot of words to get out and I’m not sure I can get it all out by typing it before I get exhausted.

so anyhow back to my suffering I did go say good night to my wife and she tried to resist us connecting but I stood there long enough to make it work I have to do that sometimes cause I have a little bit of a temper.

But you know my relationship with my wife is just one thing I suffer about.  I suffer over the mess I suffer over money, injustice, stupid people, tragedy aches and pains of getting old.  I suffer cause I don’t play the guitar well enough, because I’m losing my hair, everything that comes up, it’s something I’m suffering about.  And I’m not unique, you’re suffering too.  Don’t try and fool me.
In fact, we’re all suffering, but were all being quiet about it. When I talk about my suffering people get wide eyed and they look at me like I’m crazy, and maybe I am, but we’re all a little crazy.
The suffering I’m talking about, it’s not a bad thing, it’s actually a Buddhist lesson called the four Noble truths and the holy eightfold Path.  And, basically what it says is, if you’re alive and you’re not enlightened, your suffering.  Maybe it looks different for you than it does for me, probably does, but we all suffer in our own way.

Usually it manifests as depression, anxiety, worry, concern, angst, anger, or a whole host of other emotions, but what’s known for sure is that were all suffering on this planet.  Whether you’re suffering because you don’t have enough food, or your suffering because your girlfriend cheated on you, it doesn’t matter, it’s the same suffering that we’re all experiencing all the time.

We can convince ourselves that we don’t need to feel this way, but the truth is, we do feel this way. It’s automatic that we experience things as suffering.  It starts almost from the minute were born, going from the only thing we’ve known being a warm place, to a cold light-filled loud room.  It’s a shock!  We come into the world being shocked awake.
From there, it’s a constant battle to the end of our life to try and be happy despite being tuned into the misery sadness destruction and horrific tragedies existing on this planet we call earth. The suffering is unique to humans it’s an ego suffering it’s an emotional attachment to our thoughts.