Over the last 13 years, I’ve watched as my wife has been transformed by her body attacking itself. She is a gentle, compassionate, and loving wife, and she has also become weak, and even atrophied in many parts of her upper body.

I can remember the times when she would kick this disease on its ass, and others where it got the upper hand, but throughout it all, she has not given in. in fact, despite having this condition, she knows how to live an extremely healthy life, which has and will continue to serve her well.

When we’re trying to start a fire with wet wood, it requires extra newspaper and maybe even more matches than we want to use, but eventually the fire gets started and can produce enough of its own heat to keep itself going.

These medications to me are just a kick in the right direction. They’re not a good long-term solution, and are not without an impact. Even though I wouldn’t consider this to be the easiest life I could live, it’s the one I have. And I think I do a pretty good job of not allowing the suffering to paralyze me. In fact, it helps to ensure that I stay on track for what my family needs.

A few years back, I went through my own personal transformation, while my wife watched me struggle and suffer. Now it’s her turn to take some time for herself. it’s not easy to watch her go through this, because I feel like I could fix it for her if she would just do what I say. But from our conversations, it appears perhaps that’s not true. Just because the way I think to do it would work for me, possibly, that doesn’t mean that it would work for her. She will find her way, and she will find what works.

And I will be waiting with open arms and a heart full of love whenever she needs me, as often as she needs me, till death do us part.

I just had a quick meeting with a guy who’s worth over 10 million. Maybe over 50 million. It’s kind of funny to me, to be sitting there knowing that I can’t even take care of the basic responsibilities I have, meanwhile what would be a small drop in this guys large bucket of money would be enough to take care of my family for the next year. I don’t have customers, and that seems to be the biggest thing people are saying. Where are the customers? I can’t explain why I don’t have customers, but the fact remains I don’t.

i’m sitting here suffering over my lack, my inability, the pain of my continued situation. but all of this worry all of this frustration, it must be coming from a place of scarcity. It must be coming from a place of uncertainty. Whatever it is that’s keeping me from the success I feel I deserve, it’s not readily apparent to me. Or at least if it is, I missing something in the way that I’m understanding what it is that I know.

it’s not the small number of hours of work that I could be doing turn my money that’s my concern. For me it’s about the big deal. It’s a question of how I’m I going to get to 10,000 a month, or 20,000 a month from here?

but I guess, why sit here and think about it, I really have to remember that I journey of 1000 miles begins with one step.

What I’m taking on is a big thing, and I need to do it slowly, methodically, and I need to enjoy every step. The fact that I was even able to meet this guy, that he practically hugged me, smiled a lot, and that he really likes me is amazing.

I put him in the same category as my other mentors, it’s amazing that these people like me. I mean I guess it’s not really amazing, cause I’m awesome. But it’s pretty cool.

I know it all starts with gratitude, being grateful for what I have. I do spend a lot of my time looking at those people who I think are more successful than me, and I’m jealous. I don’t know how to get rid of jealousy. Men isn’t jealousy just wanting? Isn’t it just an extension of the wanting that’s not satisfied? with on additional focus of pointing out another person and wanting what they have instead of just wanting something for myself?

at the end of the day sure, maybe they have a richer life than me. Maybe they stress about less things than I do, but it doesn’t mean my life’s not great.

Fucking bullshit, I’m so broke that I can’t even figure out where I’m supposed to park my fucking car that I can afford, so I can go to work.

I can’t really point any one thing that’s wrong. I’m just pissed. I mean it’s definitely about money, but it’s also just about life in general. It seems so fucked right now. And it I don’t see that the suffering is ending anytime soon, so I get to just be stuck in the shit.

I could make a list of all the things that are pissing me off, but I’ve arty done that with all my previous blog posts. So there’s really no point in saying what here’s a list of things that are bothering me. It’s just the same shit bothering me again. But I guess that’s where I get to start really looking at the suffering, because of it’s the same shit bothering me again, and I already know that it’s just my suffering, then why is it bothering. me?

it’s not like there’s some answer either, because really it’s just take a breath, be in the now, motivate yourself again, put a smile on your face, breeze, meditate, do all the things I’m supposed to do to make myself feel better.

But what really pisses me off is I’m getting tired of having to make myself feel better.

This business I’m building seems to be working, but it’s a long process. But I’m glad to have work, and I feel good about where things are going, but it could be another six months of this. And I’m tired of the bullshit.

Even though I know the future is going to be much better than it is today, at least financially, it hurts a lot to have $200 in overdraft charges. But I really had no choice, I didn’t have any money, and there were charges that needed to go through. I saw them coming, I wish I could’ve been something about it, but I couldn’t. So I just had to see it as the cost of being broke.
I needed that money, I need those overdraft charges reversed, but ask the bank to reverse them so many times, but I just feel like they’re not going to do at this time. It wasn’t a bank error, it was totally my fault.

Boy I’m looking forward to when this financial suffering is over. I feel like I’m just around the corner from that happening, has business is picking up and people owe me money, now it’s just time for me to start sending out invoices and collecting.

It’s funny sitting here, thinking about how little money I have, and thinking about how much I’m going to have. I just have to remember to take a breath, smile, and just enjoy this moment right now.

Just to keep things in perspective, today I’m suffering over my oil leak. I’m actually suffering over money, and it’s really the oil that is making it so obvious. I had this Whitelake fixed once before, but now it has started up again. And since but I really need to do is take it to a mechanic and get it fixed, I don’t have the money for that, I just have to watch oil dripping out of my car onto the street everywhere I go.

it really puts it in my face. then as I walk around the store looking at underwear, which is what I’m here to do is buy some underwear for my son, when I see that it cost $34, it really emotionally hits me. How fucked, am I? I really should not be in this situation. But I am. I guess it’s not really accurate shouldn’t be in this situation, because I am in this situation. So clearly I should be.

I think what I mean is I wish I was not in this position right now. And I’m looking forward to when I will not be in this position anymore. which by the way, should be soon.

I was just having a conversation with my wife, telling her about my suffering, and she mentioned that she thought it was a healthy way to deal with it. I thought I would just mention how it is.

I have a friend who’s dying from cancer, I lost my best friend to an overdose eight years ago, my wife has a serious illness. These are things that I could suffer over, and I do. But more than that I focus on being present.

it’s completely okay, to experience suffering. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging the suffering. We all experience it, everybody reading this is experiencing suffering at some point. Sometimes daily. Sometimes constantly.

I’m just calling it like. I see it. And it actually makes a difference for everyone, not just for me. By calling out my suffering the way I do, I relieve myself of it, and that then doesn’t impact other people negatively. As it otherwise would.

it’s been a couple days since I posted anything in my suffering blog, but doesn’t mean there’s been no suffering.

of course, my life there’s always suffering. I may not all the time, but a lot. But these days I’m kind of suffering over my wife suffering. Now that she’s decided to take methotrexate, it’s a lot harder around our house.

I guess I didn’t really think about how serious the side effects might be, when I was thinking that she should start doing this. I still would’ve made the same choice, but this was a pretty big thing that we started.

so I see her tired, nauseous, anxious, sad, and it’s stressful.

where I’m not suffering. I have almost no money, my wife still has all her problems, but I’m just not suffering right now. Mom my way to meet a client, I’ll have lunch with a friend, then I’m to go to the doctor for my back pain, and that’s my day.

I have no doubt that at some point today I will experience offering. Because I tends to come frequently. But right now, there’s just presence.

if any one of the times in my life when I said this is the lowest point my life is ever going to get to, if any of those were true I wouldn’t be saying this right now.

But they’re not, because here I am feeling like I’m at a low point again. I wonder if feeling a lowpoint, which doesn’t actually exist, has anything to do with how I feel about it?

Could it be, that walking around this neighborhood of expensive homes is making me depressed? The logical part of me says it’s good to walk around neighborhoods like this. But then I just keep asking myself “When will I ever get to live like this?”

and then the answer comes to me of course, soon.