Yep that’s right, it’s my birthday. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have to suffer though. Suffering is just one of those activities I do, just like peeing and brushing my teeth. So since it’s my birthday, I was hoping to have a good birthday, but instead it’s been a fucked up birthday.

This morning I had to leave my wife at the rheumatologist while she was crying, so that she could get on medication that will likely caused her a lot of problems, but will help her arthritis. Then I had to go to my mortgage mediation to find out that it’s postponed, which actually is good news for me, except that it looked like they were going to reject me if we hadn’t postponed. So I might have that looking forward to later.

So I get home and take a little nap, which was nice, and then my wife’s making dinner, which was great, but by the time I woke up, she’s in so much pain that she can barely stand. So we hurriedly ate dinner and then she gets up from the table and goes to lay down. So she’s in bed for the rest of the night. I was going to go to the spa, because it’s free ony birthday, but instead spent the night comforting her and comforting my other son who was sad about my wife. Then I have to clean the kitchen and get ready for my son’s birthday which is tomorrow.

So that’s my birthday, happy birthday.

so he gets this thing from the library, Coldplay away. You’re supposed to listen to it and it has like books on audio. But this particular play away for some reason, every time he gets bumped it shuts off.

this time it just switched chapters all of a sudden, so either way no matter what’s happening with it it’s really driving him kind of crazy.

so for a moment I distract him, by showing in this beautiful rainbow. And that his suffering stops just for the moment. But now that he’s trying once again to listeners play away I can see the concern on his face that it’s going to happen again. Isn’t that what’s going on? No he says.

What is going on then, I ask him. I don’t know, he I ask him?. No he says. So I guess I’ve done my job I’ve helped him not suffer. But what’s even better is that now he recognizes that that is just another form of suffering.

i’m sitting here struggling about money again. Suffering about money I should say.

I had $2500 in the bank, and I thought that I was doing well monitoring it, but turns out I wasn’t. So now I have $70 in the bank. Fucking sucks.

my birthday’s coming up, and even though people are giving me money for my birthday cause they no I need it, I’ve had to spend it on food utilities and gas. So I’m not even really thinking I’m a get a birthday this year in terms of presents, which sucks because I like to buy presents for myself. So I’m out of money it’s my birthday, and I’m just in the shit. Really present to how much this fucking sucks. But, things are also really good, there’s nothing wrong, I have plenty of work, everything is actually really good. I’m just temporarily kind of pissed but I’m out of money again. Fuck!

Since my wife can’t be here, I come up with the idea that we should use Skype, so that I can show her the game. That all sounds great except she can’t use Skype.

I guess I’m really attached to her being able to watch the game. Which we just won by the way, which now puts us into the championship game.

Well after trying some more, we finally got it working. Turns out she was on the Skype website, not using the Skype app on the iPad. No wonder it wasn’t working. But still seeing her laying in bed, trying to watch the game on Skype from band is still a real struggle for me. I just hate seeing her so fucked up.

While my wife is home suffering, from her back pain neck pain elbow pain, tired from being up a lot of last night because of her pain, couldn’t come to the game this morning to watch her son play.

I know she’s probably going to drag herself down the driveway into the van, and make her way down here, but she probably won’t get out of the van she’ll just watch from the window.

i’m so grateful she’s agreed to take medication, and we go to the doctor on Monday for that which is just two days from now. I am hopeful that by getting on some kind of drug, she’ll be able to start feeling better. And thenshe’ll come back to me. So much of her has been lost, as I just watched the vibrant woman I married become so immovable.

It’s really sad, and I can no longer even trust her to make her own decisions about her health. and, I guess it’s a blessing because now I’m taking control of her health and I’m gonna get her on the medications she should’ve been on years ago.

my suffering often comes back to that I’m not making enough money. I know that money wouldn’t solve the fact that she has arthritis, but healthcare is expensive, and good health care is even more expensive.

so it’s like my suffering, comes from my own failure to provide for my family, even though the level to which I must provide to give them what they need is quite a bit higher than what most people need to produce.

I hadn’t really thought about it like that, it’s not like I’m not able to take care my family, it’s that my family’s needs are so much greater than the average family, because of my blind mom and my sick wife and my broke dad.

When I look at it that way somehow I feel little bit better.

so here we are, more suffering. My wife, who has this arthritic condition, was just about to go out when all the sudden impact start spasming. I’m immediately spiraled into despair. She needs me, I have to come comfort her and help her, and talk to her, and sit with her, instead of doing my work, which is what I really need to be doing.

thank God we have an appointment with a rheumatologist on Monday, I just do not know how much more of this I can take.

there’s this meeting I’m going to, and I’m the first one to arrive. This isn’t uncommon for me, I’m one of those people who is on time. This is mostly because my dad was always late, by a lot, not just a couple minutes.

So I show up early, and then I’m there twiddling my thumbs for a half hour waiting for the rest of the game show. The tricky thing is it’s a meeting where I don’t know anybody, one of those networking things. So there’s really not a lot for me to do, other than stand around looking like a jerk off. That’s the suffering begins.

I start thinking that it’s embarrassing, or at least a little awkward, but I’m standing there with the guy who is hosting the thing while he’s still getting it set up. And then all these people are going to start showing up who know each other and start patting each other on the back and shaking hands and I’m goung to have to walk around and make an effort to connect with people I don’t know.

I really fucking hate this part. I just want to meet the people who are the exact fit I’m looking for, without having to cycle through all these jerk offs who aren’t anywhere near like a level that I’m looking for. But really when it comes to building a business like I’m doing, the only thing I can do is try and meet up with people who get enrolled in my vision, because I don’t have the money to pay any of them.

if I had some money that I can just run an ad on craigslist and start interviewing people, and I would find some good people. But this is a bunch of people who are like me looking for other people who hopefully will be able to make something. Maybe some of them have a good idea too.

I feel confident saying though, here tonight are going to be at the same level. Because I’m doing some humongous things, with some humongous people.

so I suffer immediately, because I just feel like this little part I’m going through right now is so painful, trying to meet people to do business with.
and I guess the real suffering comes from a few things but one of them is a lack of confidence, that I actually know what I’m doing. Like I don’t have a specific purpose for being here, I’m just kind of here to see what’s here. And that’s not really the right way to do it in my mind, I should already know why I’m here.

So in part it feels like a waste of time, in part it feels like a waste of energy, and I’m kind of tired, and I want to go home, and I just want to be fucking rich already.

So now that I’ve got all that off my chest, it’s time to turn it around. I know there’s only like three people in there, so I could go stand around and talk to them, but I think I want to wait a few more people show.
Joanne I’m in a be my best self, and I’m to learn what there is to learn that being here now that I’ve put myself in that situation. So I guess that’s really the lesson, is that I take these actions to put myself in this position, and then I start wondering why did that. And maybe it’ll be worth it and maybe it won’t, nobody knows right now. But what I do know is it sounded like a good idea to the brain that I was using when I made plans to come here.

I used to have a lot of tickets. I was quite the leadfoot to my younger days. And it cost a lot of money and was a big headache. So I learned to stop doing that for the most part, but not always. And I still get a ticket once in a while. Where I live they have these cameras but then you tickets in the mail. if you run a red light for speed in a school zone. A while back I got a ticket in the mail for speeding in a school zone, I didn’t even read happening. But I always contest them, because they’ll reduce the fines, and I’m cheap, Ambrook most of the time. So I’ve scheduled to go to court this morning, before I took this job that I do now.

so now I have to go to court before I have to go to work, which is really inconvenient. But I made it work, I got down there early and they let me in early, so I was able to see the judge who immediately reduce my ticket from hundred and $89, Daniel hundred. Which is great, but with five dollars for parking and the extra time that it took me, plus the stress, it wasn’t a huge savings.